Sunday 18 March 2012

I hate ants, the movie Antz and Antonio Banderas. You all bite



I have been coming into a bit of luck lately. In fact, I have been experiencing strokes of luck on a fairly consistent basis ever since I left the UK back in October. I went over there to work on a farm (of sorts), which fell through. I remember sitting on a pier in San Francisco around a week into the trip and contemplating what the hell I was going to do. Accommodation was running me $35 a night and I was now about to face the prospect of having to leave the states and head straight into South America, where things were at least a bit cheaper. This pained me as I liked what I had seen of California and I did not feel ready to leave. So instead I took a road trip down the Pacific Coast Highway with some total goon from my dorm and I checked into a hostel on Venice Beach, LA, where I met a Spanish lad Alfonso who could barely speak a word of english. The hostel here was cheaper at $20 s night so I decided to extend my stay for a few nights one Saturday morning. When I went to the desk the receptionist told me it was full and that I would have to leave. Not relishing the prospect of a night on the streets I phoned around a few hostels and everywhere was full. When I returned to the dorm I was faced with a frantic Alfonso, who clearly was suffering the same predicament with the additional problem of not being able to speak the language. It really did scare Alfonso, the language barrier. He was kind of scared to go too far from the hostel, as he could not ask directions etc. I decided that I had to help him, as believe me I have felt like he did a few times over the past year.

So we jumped on the internet and whilst I was logging on I noticed a flyer for a hostel on Pacific Beach, San Diego. It looked pretty sweet and the rates were only $15 a night, so I gave them a call. Again, they were all booked out. So I did a quick search on hostelworld and top of the list came USA Hostels on 5th av, which had previously been voted the top hostel in the whole of the USA, so I went ahead and booked. Alfonso was nervous about this idea, because he needed to be back in LA a few days later and I was not sure if I could come back with him. I reassured him it would be okay and we hopped on a bus down there. When we arrived I was blown away by SD, it is an amazing place. When we checked into the hostel I was greeted by a vivacious young lady named Meg, and upon noticing a sign that they were looking for staff I enquired what the deal was. Meg told me that a group had literally just left, so I was in luck. The prospect of free accommodation meant that I could stay in the US for a while and not have to worry about changing my flights into Peru that were booked for mid December.

As it transpired I had such a great experience in San Diego that I decided to stay on another month. I made some very strong connections with the other members of staff and various travellers who were coming through, and I made some good friends. During my time there I worked with a guy whose best friend works for a publishers reading manuscripts. A contact like this could be the difference between landing a contract or not, and whilst it may come to nothing, is still a large slice of fortune. Next came a text from my Dad, which said that I had been given a rebate of £95 from 2007. Tidy I thought, a few beers. Then he texted again saying that he had mis-spelt, and it was actually £950. I probably don't need to go into detail about how much of a bonus that has been.

It was emotional when I left the hostel, as I had grown close to a number of people. But no sooner had I left that I heard from a good friend Florian, who I met in Indonesia back in May. He was heading to Columbia. So I headed north from Peru and got up there for a month with the Bavarian boys. Then just as my time with the German lads was about to come to a close my good friend Hugo made contact to say he was coming over for a month. In Panama we met a lovely couple who run a farm in California, whom we kept bumping into place after place in the country, and whom we ended up sharing a dorm with for a few nights in Bocas Del Toro recently.

Over the past couple of weeks I have received two short-term job offers in California as a result of the chance connections that I have made since leaving the UK. Add to this the potential publishing contact, the minor cash windfall and the abundance of good friends coming my way and it is clear that I have been experiencing a trail of uncharacteristically good luck. I had not really thought about this until this morning. It is raining hard in Costa Rica today, so I am kind of penned into my room with nothing but a bottle of water and a pipe. I began searching for my speakers to put some music on and as I was rummaging my hand picked up something small, round and rough. At first I thought it might be the missing part of Peter Neil Reed's chin, but when I retrieved it I was surprised to find the little nut type thing that the weird fortune teller / mind reader guy from Malaysia gave me back in March. If you are reading this and don't remember this guy then I suggest you read my post “strange shit is a goin down” from March or April last year, it was fucked up. The guy told me some pretty weird shit, and was convincing enough to make me throw up. Anyway, this guy gave me the little nut thing and told me to keep it on me and it will bring me luck. Ever the sceptic I decided to just leave it at my Dads house, as I don't really want to carry a nut type thing around with my (it kind of looks like a brain, but feels like a nut). So I find the nut and began to think about the strokes of luck that I have been having, which have all been completely down to chance. Then I started thinking about what else the guy said. He told me that March 2012 would be a very important month for me, and by only six days in I had received two potential employment options in California, somewhere that I would love to return for a few months. NB. The guy said “important” as opposed to “lucky”, I am not sure how to translate this difference but I hope it is good. For the rest of March I have been spending long days writing and I really feel as if progress is being made, so it really has felt like an important month for me so far.

Santa Catalina
Anyway, that's the hippy shit out of the way. The last few weeks have been non-stop. Hugo and myself developed a taste for adrenalin sports, sunburn, aloe vera and rum. Following a couple of heavy nights in Panama City we set off for Santa Catilina on the South West Pacific coast. The public transport in Panama is shite. The majority of buses are these shitty little minibuses that have seats barely enough for one person that sit two people. They are predominatly leather and when combined with the heat you find yourself dripping with sweat and forming wet patches in any area in contact with the seat or the person next to you. They pack a dangerous number of people in, so the narrow aisles are packed with locals. It seems to be socially acceptable to sit on people, lean on them or pretty much do whatever you want to them. On one journey I had a girl leaning on my shoulder as an arm rest whilst a child behind played with my hair. On the next journey I had a man placing his arse crack down my arm to keep himself steady. After the journey my arm literally spelt of ass.

I don't know whether it is because I have been spending so much time on public transport lately, but I am seriously considering petitioning for the outlaw of public displays of affection on public transport. On the journey to Santa Catalina I was sat directly behind a couple who over the course of the 2hr journey probably kissed each other one hundred and fifty times. At one point I counted twenty seven kisses in a row. It took every ounce of will not to punch a route right through the middle of their lips. I don't really understand the motivation for this type of carry on, I will assume it is insecurity, but after one session the girl looked round at me and shot me one of the dirtiest looks I have ever received (and not in a good way). She was seriously trying to suggest that I was somehow perving on them. These seats are packed in and I was less than 2ft from their faces and to see out of the window I had to look in their direction. So when she gave me this look I maintained my look, which I hope translated as 'If you want privacy then fornicate in a private place you fucking moron.' Following this stare off she turned back to her boyfriend, who then looked at me and they began to laugh. Is this what the future holds? Getting mocked for having my eyes open on public transport? Probably. I certainly look forward to the day when everyone just closes their eyes on the underground, there is only so many times that someone can read the underground map. This kind of thing is happening with such regularity that I am begninning to automatically seek seats as close to the front as possible, front seat if available. When I came to South America kipper warned me that there are a lot of bus crashes, and that the safest place on the bus is towards the middle and back on the right hand side. I now find myself voluntarily reducing my chances of survival and sitting at the front left just to avoid these sacks of shit.

So after a couple of these delightful bus journeys we arrived in Santa Catalina in time for a pretty impressive sunset over the bay. The next day we decided to take some surf lessons, which were advertised for $15 at our hostel. We began to worry when a small boy, probably eight years or so, started arranging our boards and trying to communicate to us in Spanish. Our fears grew further when another 8yr old non-englis speaking lad turned up and we all got into a van to head to the beach. When we got there we soon became resigned to the fact that we had just burned $15, although they did draw us some surfboards in the sand and teach us in spanish how to lie face down in the dirt. The surf there was perfect for beginners, and there were some pretty reasonable size waves. The main issue was that we did not really know how to surf, and neither of us understood what these kids were trying to say. It began to get awkward so I started trying to paddle away from my guy, whilst Hugo persisted and got a few push offs from his boy. We both managed to get up a few times and once the kids did one we had a good time.

Get me out of that god damn sun
One thing that I forgot to mention is Hugo's ability to lose things. A day does not pass without something disappearing, and on the day we went surfing it was sun cream, puyfect. When we realise we tried to buy some more but the village is tiny, and the “shop” is rather limited in products (they ran out of bread for 3 days, but their tinned sardines were in plentiful supply). So we went surfing for 5hrs without suncream. We had actually bought aftersun for the first time the day before, but luckily it had opened up in my hand luggage and covered almost anything of value that I have. So six hours later our faces began to hurt, quite a lot. When we got up the next day for diving we were in really quite a lot of pain. We both spent the day trying to keep out of the sun as best we could, but the diving tour was not too conducive of this. I wasn't exactly convinced that I could remember how to dive, it has been almost a year. Then Hugo hit me with the news that his had been 8 years, but we were sort of confident we would pick it up again. The place we went was called Coiba, a national marine park that was once adjoining the Galapogas islands, and is famed for it's big fish. The 1.5hr boat journey was encouraging, where I saw several dolphins, a turtle and some manta ray.

Our first dive was something that I did not expect possible. The fish were just unbelievable, thousands upon thousands. And then, as I have been dreaming of for a year, a whale shark came cruising towards me. These things are fucking huge, biggest fish in the ocean, and we were lucky enough to see two of them. Hugo and me had been a bit concerned that we would hold up the rest of the group and use up our oxygen quicker, as all the rest of the group had their own equipment. But they were total jokes. One guy was particularly annoying, he was floating around, going vertical and almost kicking my face off, then sinking and going upside down etc. We had a divemaster but everytime I looked round our group had become smaller, and after half an hour there was only me and Hugo left. The divemaster did not seem bothered so we carried on regardless. By the time we surfaced all of the others were already on the boat and changed out of their gear, very weird.

The second dive was a lot more challenging. When the divemaster began talking about the currents it made me a little nervous, and when we went down 15m we litterally had to hold on to rocks and swim hard into the current to try and stay together. We were told to stick close to the rocks and the bottom of the ocean to avoid the currents, but they were strong everywhere, and when you caught a good one it was like being on a waterslide, proper good fun. We had only booked a two tank dive, so the pro's went off on the third and we went snorkelling. After half an hour I was looking out to sea when the jerk who could clearly not dive breached the surface of the water feet first. I am not quite sure how he did this, as the rules of the floatation device he was wearing renders this practically impossible, but I am confident that he will have died of nitrous poisoning later that night.

One of the most refreshing things about having Hugo with me is not having to make friends. No need for any more shit conversations about where I have been. Sure, they obviously still happen with regularity, but I am no longer forced into instigating them. It allowed me to be more selective when being approached by instigators, which I believe has led to a sustained period of very high grade travelling buddies. We met some good people over the past month, and It was nice to be part of a double act. I have always been a greater ease when mates have come to join me in various places, things instantly become easier and far more leisurely. The pressure to interact is removed and as a result I am able to me myself without worry of being ostrasiced. It is surprising how often I have thought to myself about the value of having someone I know with me on the road, there are definitely a number of benefits. A lot of people travelling alone suggest that it is the only way to meet people, as you are forced to do so. Those who know me know that I don't like to be forced to do anything. I am far more comfortable with not being forced to make friends (see networking events for reference). When you are forced to make friends the conversation is invariably bland for all parties. When you have a back up, ie a mate, you don't really give a shit about peoples impressions and you can be yourself. I imagine this is pretty much applicable in any social situation. Just having someone there who can apologise on a friends behalf and reassure any upset parties that “he is not normally like that”. A fairly pertinent example of this came the night after Hugo left. I fell into the sea and woke up naked in the wrong dorm bed. I am reliably informed by other guys in the dorm that the person whose bed I was in was not very happy about the situation. Four hours later I was crossing the Costa Rican border wearing no shoes. This is what happens when I have no one to explain on my behalf that I am essentially a normal person, but can occassionally go a bit frank the tank when drunk.

Anyway, back to Panama. After a few days in Catalina we decided to go up into the mountains at Boquette. This place was a whole different climate. We had grown accustomed to temperatures in the mid to high thirties, and it was kind of nice to put on jeans and get out of the heat. It is a nice little town that has prospored from tourism, and there was plenty to opt for, so we chose white water rafting and ziplining. When we signed up for the white water rafting we both had images of us flying over waterfalls in terror. When we arrived at the office there was a family with two young kids, a pair of gays and three women over the age of sixty. We both sat silently disappointed but when we got chatting with these people we realised that we were in good company regardless of the ride. It turns out that one of these ladies was seventy seven years old, and the gays had been on a tour with her that had taken her trekking and caving along with rafting – pretty fucking impressive if you ask me. The rafting was good craic, me and Hugo were lead team at the front but we did not take our responsibilites very seriously. We spent most of the time trying to push each other out of the boat and splash one of the other two boats. Hugo, who regularly and openly praise's his own aquatic abilities (he is by his own admission “impossibly aquatic”) was not very comfortable hitting the currents, and instead of manning his side and keeping the balance he would leap onto my side every time he hit a wave. This was annoying and his comuppance finally arrived when we hit a big one and he went straight over the top of me and into the water – becoming the first and only member of the party that had to be rescued by rope.
Humiliation for Hugo as the gays run him over


Old ladies, gays and the boys
That evening me and Hugo went for a meal with the old ladies and the gays, which was surprisingly good fun. Next morning we were due to go ziplinging but we had a few beers and when I woke up at 7.30am I phoned us into the afternoon slot. We both felt a bit nervous as the truck up there started hitting some serious height. By the time we got to the first line Hugo was visibly shaken and my discomfort with heights was not easy to mask. At times there were about fifteen of us stood on these small platforms built 50m up a tree, and once you had begun there was no turning back or stopping. It was a good laugh and zipping through the canopy of a rainforest is different, but if it had cost more than $60 then I would have been pissed (the one in Laos which I did not do was $400).

Our final destination in Panama was Bocas Del Toro, a tropical location made famous for hosting the television series “Survivor”. We had to wait about 2hrs to get this shitty bus to a small town that is the launching point to Bocas. When we arrived Hugo got to experience aparticularly irritating ritual that I have had to go through many many times over the last year or so. Getting off the bus to be greeted by some shifty looking local who is trying to make some commission off disorientated travellers. This prick was on a bike and just would not leave us the fuck alone. We had our backpacks, it was fucking hot and the walk took about twenty minutes whilst this guy tried to make conversation that neither of us were interested in having. All the time there were even shiftier looking guys all on these bikes that I associated with hood movies. I associated anyone over the age of 16 on a bike with crime, and these guys were communicating with each other as we passed and personally I felt like this guy was leading us to be mugged and probably bummed. Fortunately, and as has always been the case there was nothing to fear, but also as always these are tense moments until you actually arrive at the transport or hostel that they are supposedly leading you to.

The boat journey was pleasant and as soon as we arrived in Bocas we began to bump into people that we had met in other places across Panama. On the first night we probably met six or seven different people that we had spoken to along the way, which was pretty nice. The American couple that we met on San Blas were staying in our dorm along with three American lads from Detroit who were on their spring break, and we began hanging out as a group which was really good fun. The young American guys were some of the most interesting and engaging twenty one year olds that I have ever met. Two of them are ghost writers, which as well as sounding cool is a pretty sweet job. They basically just write university papers for rich kids who cannot be bothered to do it themselves, and they make good money ($25 a page). There were several islands to go visit and we saw some dolphins and saw some nice shit. Amongst the highlights was a day trip to another beach, which involved a trek through a disasterously muddy trail.
Post trail


 My flip flops broke after five minutes and I had to ditch them, but on the plus side Hugo fell off a log, so swings and roundabouts. We bought with us a chinese guy we had met in the hostel who was hilarious to watch. When we got to the beach it was like he had never seen the ocean before. He was running in and then running away from the waves, just repeatedly for about half an hour. A couple of the americans had dropped acid and one of them became involved in conversation with the Chinese guy for about 2hrs. I don't know what was discussed but when David, the chinese guy returned he honestly said it had been the best day of his life. It was really quite touching I guess. He actually lives in Panama City and is twenty six, so I am not really sure what he does with his time, it was pretty much a standard day for myself.

Decabots
 At night the rum flowed in Bocas. Myself and Hugo forged ourselves a reputation as a couple of merry drunks, which we attribute to the local rum – best booze going. But alas, all good things must come to an end, and when it became time for Hugo to depart I was left to reflect on how great it would have been to have him on board for the whole trip.

The American lads were flying home from Costa Rica and invited me with them to a party in Puerto Viejo the next evening, so I decided to travel on with them. That night I went out drinking with the Detroit boys and quite what happened I don't know. As I mentioned I woke up naked in the wrong bed at 7am, twenty minutes before we had to catch the boat and move onwards to Costa Rica. I had managed to lose my flip flops and everything seemed to be wet. In the rush I left behind all of my washbag and cosmetics which was a bonus. I then had to cross the border wearing no shoes.


The Ark
The party to which we were headed was for a guy called Jay, who owns a huge hostel in Puerto Viejo called rocking J's. The Detroit guys had been here one week before bocas and met the guy that runs the place - J. It is this huge plot with big Open air structure's filled with tents and hammocks. He has planted grass and there are loads of open air communal areas and it had it's own private beach area. The perfect party hostel. So they met this guy and he began telling them that he genuinely believes the world will end in 2012, and on that basis his last birthday was this year, the day the four of us headed here from bocas. When I got there they showed me the ark that he has built out back, complete with gun turrets and several crates of guns and ammunition. It was his birthday, and on this basis he believes that it will be his last birthday, so in preperation he bought 400 bottles of spirits between about 100 people. I emplore you to do the maths.


Free booze
 It was a pretty messy night, he had fires going on the beach and as soon as your glass was empty someone would be there to fill it. At around 5am I met one of the biggest douchebags that I have ever had the misfortune of meeting. This guy was just the pits, and the worst part was that he was English. He had an air of Jesus about his long hair, thick beard. When he began to speak he sounded exactly like Neil from the young ones. When he started putting on this hippy act I was left no option but to destroy him. He was clearly just some berk who is trying to get laid by sounding spiritual, which is fine, but he was just so terrible at impersonating a hippy that it was just plain disturbing. It was like he had once watched an episode of the young ones and had then decided to try and be a hippy. He was rubbish. He started piping on about negative energy and said that he was the victim of racial hatred. I asked him what the fuck he was going and as it transpires he has basically been getting picked on everywhere he goes. If you met this guy you would totally know why. He walked ankle deep into the sea and started talking about the connection he felt with nature (in Neil from the young ones voice) and I just burst out laughing. When I talked to him one-on-one he sounded like your average Tim nice but dim, but he seems pretty resilient in his hippy rouse and refuses to break character on the public stage. The last thing I remember asking him was if the rumours that he is a hermaphrodite were true, didn't speak to him again after that.


The morning after the Detroit guy's left I checked out and went looking for alternative accommodation, and for the first time in six months I got room to myself. I Feel pretty exposed to the elements here. This is the Closest I have slept to an ocean with serious waves. I slept on loads of huts on the beach in Asia, but the seas were calm over there. The sea is fookin aggressive here, the wave are big and the surf douches are a'plenty. The waves are upto 20ft in this region and the noise of the ocean is very prominent. My cabina is an odd structure. It is a triangle formed by two sheets of corregated iron and the ground. The end facing the ocean only has a dwarf wall with a sparse wooden cross hatch above it. It is totally open air except for a very poorly fitted mosquito mesh. In addition to the racket of the ocean it has been raining hard some days. The noise of these downpours against the correguated tin roof is deafening, and is slowly driving me mad. If the rain is blowing away from the sea towards shore then around half of my bed gets rained on through the mesh. Pretty good fun at 4am when you are also desperately trying to maintain the integrity of mosquito net that has seen better days. There are a lot of Mosquitos here, shit loads of the little fuckers. When I turn the light on I have to watch then all trying to float through the net, in the full knowledge that one of them is bound to sneak through the big hole up towards the roof. Once it is in then it is basically like an all you can eat buffet. When I wake in the morning there are usually 4 or 5 in the net with me. There is something disturbingly satisfying about slapping a mosquito and seeing your own blood explode out of them. Circle of life. It is not such a bad way to go, quick and painless after enjoying a nice hot meal. I on the other hand face liver failure on the bed of some third world hospital due to malaria. We will see who has the last laugh.

Home sweet home

So I have my own hut but I feel like I am being invaded. I have a crab living behind the the lining wall and the corregated tin and every night it is scratching around and searchingmy shit for food. I woke up at 2am the other night and there was a rat dragging my french baguette across the floor. Two hours later I awoke and there was a frog sat on my stomach. I don't know how it got into my mosquito net, but as soon as I flinched it started panicing and bouncing around against the net and back on to me. This is the rainforest and I am pretty sure that there are poisonous frogs about. There are ghekkos crawling all over the wall but at least they eat some of the moths. But the ants are by far the worst. Their bite fucking kills and leaves a mark. Due to the lack of privacy, rain on my bed and swarms of insects I feel like I am constantly being violated. The ants were my fault, sort of. I have enjoyed some 'alone time' recently. One day it was pissing it down so I was sat writing in my room all day. I was consistently feeling these really nasty stinging bites on my feet all and I kept finding these tiny ants. They were sporadic so didn't really make anything of it. By around 9pm the intensity and regularity were increasing, and I looked at the floor and there were an absolute swarm of ants around the boxer shorts that I had lazily used for 'clean up'. I can only assume that the little fucks were harvesting my jizz (circle of life) and then biting me for good measure. When I picked up the pants there were literally hundreds of the horrible little bastards, and they all started crawling up my arms and biting me. I ran out of the room waving a pair of pants in the air right infront of the rasta's smoking at reception outside, and whilst they were laughing at my I was jumping up and down in a puddle and flapping around trying to get these fucks off me. Pretty annoying on the whole as now they are everywhere. I have seen at least 5 crawl into the USB port of my netbook, probably not doing it much good. The power cable only works fifty percent of the time now.

I have been here for a couple of weeks and I hang out with a lot of the locals who work and relax here. During this time I have stumbled upon one of the worst individuals that i have ever met. His name is Hunter and he looks like a mixture of Beppe from eastenders and rivaldo. Deep set eyes, rubbery complexion and thin goatee beard. He is one of the guys that grabs tired and disorientated travellers of buses and drags them to a guesthouse for a commission. This guy is permanently fucked up on coke, his face looks like it is spasaming. Fuck knows where he gets the money for this habit or who is feeding him but judging by his behaviour he is doing a lot. He does this 'raise of the eyebrow' thing whilst saying something that I don't understand, and he just keeps staring at me through one bulging eye raising one eyebrow up and down really quickly. Combined with the constant churning of his gurning mouth and chin it makes him look like something inbetween beppe, popeye and a retard. He is one of the most unnerving individuals I have ever met. He pops up everywhere. As I am writing this he has just sat in the hammock next to me, arriving 5 minutes after i'd left a table to get away from him, which itself came less than 5 minutes after his arrival at said table. I suspect that he is on the brink of a full psychotic episode and I would really rather not be around to see it. I am growing worried that I might actually cause the onset. I am pretty sure he was saying something about me not listening to him but I couldn't understand, then he said something doing the popeye face and I laughed. I laughed too and then he asked me a question that I didn't understand. I spend the whole of these conversations trying to get away from the moron. He interupts any conversation with some jibberish sentence whips out the popeye and completely kills the vibe. Everyone then just sits in silence until the wise make their excuses about where they have to be. I am convinced that he hates me, but he turns up everywhere I go, which I suspect is because I smoke and he is hoping I will offer him one. I would give him one if it would make him fook off, but I think it will just encourage him.

Probably the best photo I have ever taken
Closely followed by this
It is hard to not feel a bit like a hippie here. I am pretty much sleeping in nature and I smell. Clean clothes are an issue, everything feels damp within seconds of removing it from my rucksack. Having been here two weeks i have tried not to wear much. One pair of swimming shorts, no underwear and a vest is the standard and I have not washed these things once. I must fucking stink. Every time I wear something clean it feels dirty in ten minutes so I have stopped wearing anything new. One observation is that if you ever want to make your clothes smell then sit in a communal hammock for ten minutes, man those things wreak. I have spent so much time in a hammock over the past year, time that has given me many of the ideas that will hopefully provide me with a career one day, that I cannot imagine a life without hammocks now. I will definitely be bringing one home, but it could be a while before I find somewhere to put it. A Swiss guy I know has one in his lounge overlooking a lake, that is the kind of set-up I seek. It would be easy to build a small structure to accommodate one, just a small glass or perspex overhang and a couple of uprights to hang the hammock between. Becky that pergola you never use has got hammock written all over it... I would recommend a hammock to anyone, in fact I could probably have one instead of a bed. If this book of mine ever does amount to anything then i will owe a large debt of gratitude to hammocks, they really are the thinking man's best friend
Laters.

Looks better than Weston-Super-Mare on a rainy day