If I write this I'm apparently gay

So It turns out that for some unknown reason an entire pack of French canadians think I'm gay (15 of them on a tour). This revelation was made by nick this morning. I have my theories, largely based around the White linen travellers trousers that I picked up in chiang mai. Other speculative theories are currently being developed that revolve around me blowing out a 6ft 3" giraffe girl, in addition to another of their pack. My favoured theory is that they've been closely watching me closely watching the Swedish desperate dan on the beach all day. So my options to retrieve this situation are essentially two-fold, I either nail a giraffe or put an end to dan watch, and I'm not convinced that I can bring myself to do either. As I have previously explained, there is something hypnotic about this blockheads that instinctively draws my eyes to that head. Nick is obviously revelling in this and is going to use all at his disposal to fuel this rumour, probably beginning by telling them that I touched him. Even the French girls that we are hanging out with are questioning it, which I largely attribute to my pet rescue carry on with the skanky cats on this island. I have discovered that I genuinely feel more compassion for animals than I do for humans, I'm not sure what that means, probably that I'm a bender. Basically tonight I'm going to have to go out, drink 15 pints of lager, watch some football, have a fight and a curry and then nail a giraffe, pretty standard so I'm not sure if it will be sufficient to dispel these rumours, especially with nick working hard on the case to convince them otherwise... Yours sincerely, Julian